Horny on Main is Re:’s sex advice column. It’s a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought into words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. To learn a bit more about Horny on Main and Melody and Elena, click here.

How do I get back my libido after being totally not keen/in survival mode this pandemic? 

Elena: It’s tough to feel disconnected from how you once were, and I think so many other people will be feeling this way (I’m talking with my therapist about exactly this at the moment!). So thank you for writing in about it.

I think the first step is doing things that allow you to be present and in your body, that aren’t necessarily sexual. Like taking time to moisturise your body at night, maybe lighting a candle and listening to music while you do it. Try to really focus on all the sensations while you do those things, how it feels to rub your thighs, how the candle smells, how the bed feels under your back. Let yourself soak in the pleasure. If you aren’t doing things to let your body know that everything is okay, it will be very difficult to then go straight from survival mode into arousal.  

Melody: Exactly. Try not to make sex, especially partnered sex, your focus. Especially at the start! You might just end up putting too much pressure on yourself and shutting down further. If the pandemic has seen you stuck inside or going through the motions trying to ‘get through’ then it’ll do you a world of good to seek out a little change. Low key adventure and excitement, things that remind you about the joy of being alive, and also of that invigoration that happens when you connect with other humans. Hanging out with people who love you is the best because you get a glimpse of yourself through their eyes, and that view is often much kinder than the one we have of ourselves. 

Elena: Yeah, for a lot of people the desire to have sex only comes with feeling good in and about yourself. Getting yourself back to that place allows you to find yourself desirable and also makes the vulnerability of sex less daunting. In saying that, arousal works in different ways for different people: some people need a stimulus, like a cute person flirting with them, whereas others are turned on more spontaneously, and their desire for sex can just occur instantly without any stimulation. Which do you think best describes your experience before ‘survival mode’ kicked in? If you only ever felt like sex when there was a sexy situation to take part in, think about what contributed to you being turned on. Maybe you need to feel relaxed and engaged, or you need the setting not to remind you of all the things you need to do later, or you like it when your partner tells you how hot they find you. It might take all of these things for you to feel like having sex.  

Melody: If you’re in a relationship, then it’s a good idea to talk this stuff through with your partner. Make sure they know that sexual intimacy is important to you, you just need some time to get there. But you also don’t want all your interactions to be emotionally intense - having a date night where you just have fun and let loose is as important as communication. If you’re single, then unless casual, partnered sex is something you are really comfortable with and keen to do again, I’d be focusing on self pleasure before you introduce another person. Once you’re starting to feel interested in sex and sexual pleasure again, get yourself a nice toy, maybe check out some porn or erotic audio stories via Dipsea or something like it, or even send someone you’re into a flirty message. Ease yourself back into things. 

Elena: It can be a real bloody challenge to start doing caring, mindful acts for yourself when you’re so worn out - especially in a room where you’ve spent a lot of time in a negative or numb headspace. So don’t get discouraged if it feels like one step forward, two steps back for quite a while.

Melody: Exactly. You’re doing your best and you’ll get there in the end! 

In summary: Take some time to seek mindful pleasure on your own, reconnect with friends, get out and enjoy life, think about what gets you off, take it slow and see you on the other side of this bloody pandemic :) x

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous.  

Illustration by Mil Hampy. 

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