Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions.

I’m non-binary afab and I’m in love with my straight cis bestie. She’s in a relationship with a straight cis man. She knows he’s cheating but won’t leave him. What can I do?

Melody: Unfortunately, you can’t do anything about your friend not leaving their relationship. People will leave a bad relationship when they’re ready and not before, so your best bet is to just be there for her as much as you can. If you feel you have to, you could tell her that you don’t think her relationship is a healthy one, or that the way she’s being treated isn’t good enough, but there is a slight risk that she will feel judged and stop coming to you for comfort, so be careful if you do decide to go down that road.

Elena: Constantly hearing about how shitty someone’s boyfriend is is hard enough even when you don’t have feelings for them. I would say it’s possible to support a friend while putting your own feelings aside, but to constantly prioritise supporting someone else over being honest about your feelings or giving yourself space can be to your own detriment, and can end up straining the relationship, even if subconsciously. I think you just need to figure out if it’s gotten to a point for your own sake, or the friendship’s sake, where you need to say something about your feelings. 

Melody: Yeah that’s the other part to this question, whether or not to say something. I understand that with your friend going through everything she is, you may not want to add to the things she has to worry about, but there are ways to do it which are gentle and generous towards your friend. Something like, “I know you are going through a lot right now, I’m sorry I can’t be there in all the ways you need but this is why. These feelings aren’t your responsibility but I felt like I needed to tell you and I’ll still support you as much as I can.” 

Elena: Alternatively you could simply take a small step back from the relationship, if that’s something you feel you can do without causing her hurt. Just give yourself some space and spend time with other people, try to invest in those friendships so you have a wider support system beyond your best friend. If your friend then starts to question you about your friendship changing then that could be the time to be honest about why you needed to step back.

Melody: Yeah I think hanging around in the hopes that your friend ends her relationship and then turns towards you (the best friend who’s been there all along, right under her nose!) just isn’t realistic. It might take months or years for her to leave that other relationship, and then a whole lot more time to be ready for a new one...

Elena: Definitely. It can take a long time to heal from a relationship where someone has put up with behaviour that they knew was wrong. They might feel very angry, or even ashamed or guilty for not standing up for themselves, and for staying for so long...

Melody: …And say they do break up, and the two of you end up together, then she finds out you had feelings for her all along - might she not feel a little betrayed by the fact that you kept that to yourself? Less certain that the advice and comfort you gave her didn’t come with an ulterior motive? I just don’t see an outcome that works out like a fairytale with you together. I think you need to try to move on.

Elena: Yeah. If you think you can get over her without having a direct conversation, go for it. If you feel you need to be honest about your feelings in order to preserve the friendship, do that, but tread carefully.

Melody: We also checked in with our friends at InsideOUT. Managing director Tabby Besley (she/her) wanted to acknowledge the almost universal queer crisis of being in love with your straight best friend (you are not alone!), saying “while sometimes sexuality and gender can be fluid for people it’s probably not a good idea to sit around and hope your best friend suddenly develops feelings for you, and there’s sure to be lots of people out there who are interested in pursuing a relationship with you” and Dando Morgan (they/them) and Compass Wilts-Ramsay (they/them) said, “If you do go after her, and it doesn't work out, besties feelings are a reflection of her wants and needs and not your worth or validity”.

Elena:  We hope the next person you love is so unbelievably single and available that it's sick!

More stories: 

How do I get my libido back after being totally not keen during this pandemic? 

Aucklanders bought more sex toys than any other region this year

Experts answer: When is it safe to fuck strangers under the Covid-19 traffic light system