Feeling a need for power and control over our own lives is normal – healthy, even. Getting your shit together feels good, and having ownership over your decisions feels good, but when this need for control crosses over into your relationship things can get ugly.  

This article is part of our new series on healthy relationships, sponsored by Love Better. 

Of course power dynamics exist, shift and change in romantic relationships, but for a relationship to be genuinely healthy, everyone involved should feel like equals.  

Sexual harm prevention organisation RespectEd says “power should be balanced, with partners having mutual respect and respecting each other’s autonomy”. 

What does ‘power’ actually mean in a relationship?   

Having the power might look like: 

• Always getting what you want and rarely having to compromise 
• Dictating where and when you and your partner spend time together 
• Having a say in who they hang out with when you’re not around 
• Expecting your partner to ‘fix’ themselves to be with you 
• Making most of the ‘rules’ in your relationship, even if you believe they’re for the other person's benefit. 

Asking yourself these questions is a great way to check in on your relationship, because unhealthy patterns aren’t always obvious - even to ourselves. 

But if you wouldn’t want the dynamic of the relationship to flip because you would lose control, then it isn’t an equal one.  

It’s also important to question how you feel when the person you’re dating or interested in sets boundaries, to see whether you’re really on board with who they are and what they need.  

Ask yourself: 

• How would I react if my partner didn’t reply to me for a few hours?  
• How would I feel if they hung out with people I don’t know?
• Do I feel entitled to tell them what to wear?
• Would I be upset or annoyed if they told their friends things about the way I interact with them in our relationship?  

If these questions trigger discomfort, it might be a sign that your relationship isn’t thriving or as healthy as it should be – and that you could be the one trying to control it.   

Where does this need for power come from?  

Relationship expert Eleanor Butterworth says coercive control is a learnt behaviour, but the way people learn it and use it can vary greatly. 

She says this learning can happen at a societal level.   

“When a system discriminates and creates inequity and a lack of safety for some groups, for example women, Māori, Rainbow and Disabled communities, this in turn trickles into a lack of care, protection and respect at individual level,” she says.  

“Sometimes it can be learnt in childhood from seeing controlling behaviours as ‘normal’, as the role of the ‘man of the house’.”  

But there is always an element of individual choice.  

Psychologist Heath Hutton says sometimes you might think your requests to your partner, or comments about things such as their clothes or appearance are coming from a good place and you are trying to be helpful.  

“Sometimes, you might think they’re not quite who you want them to be, so you try to shape them into that person. Maybe you expect them to act or dress a certain way, the way you think a ‘cool’ or desirable partner should.”  

“Even if it’s not coming from a cruel place, it creates an unhealthy dynamic and is most likely coming from your own insecurities.” 

Because most of the time, the need for control is about you.   

The belief that we’re owed or entitled to power can stem from all sorts of different life experiences, but it most likely has something to do with how we feel about ourselves and our worries about where we fit into the world.  

Counsellor Laressa Donaldson says, “trying to take power from people who are more vulnerable than us reveals a lot about our own self-worth”.   

“If you think you need to control or dominate others, it might be because you feel powerless somewhere else in your life.” 

Some people feel the need to show to their friends that their opinions matter in their relationship, or that their desires are respected by their partner.  

According to Heath, “this often gets warped and becomes less about mutual respect and negotiation, but rather power and dominance. In other words, my needs are the most important. For some men in particular there might be an impulse to ‘peacock’ - wanting your mates to see that your partner does what you tell them to or is eager to please.”  

“This can be a path to seriously controlling behaviour that needs to be checked.” 

And we can all be controlling to a degree. People can be inflexible, demanding and often want things done in a specific way – just because it’s what they prefer.  

However, this behaviour goes beyond the norm if a partner fears the consequences of not complying.  

How do you let go?   

At its core, it all comes down to liking yourself.  

As Laressa says, “When we feel good about ourselves, we’re less likely to try to control or dominate others. We feel secure and confident, and we respect others’ boundaries and feelings.” 

If you realise you don’t truly understand your partner and are constantly trying to change them, the best thing you can do is end the relationship and work on being who you want to be.  

“Being empowered in itself is positive and those misusing power have to find their confidence and self-worth to use their power in a way that doesn’t steal power from others,” Laressa says.  

So, how do you actually do this?  

Heath recommends looking at these areas of your own life:  

• Home in on your hobbies and skills. Leaning into your talents is a great reminder that you have things to be proud of and ways to bond with other people.  
• Focus on finding a community that makes you feel comfortable being your real self. Friends who care about you are far more important than friends you feel you need to impress. 
• Get honest with yourself about what makes you feel powerless. Think about past experiences that made you feel small. What do you need emotionally to heal from that? Maybe it’s a conversation with a specific family member or reconnecting with someone you’ve lost touch with.
• Be vulnerable with a trusted friend or mentor about how you’ve been acting. Don’t only talk to your partner as this is more emotional labour for them. A good friend and mentor can hold you accountable for bad behaviour and be a reminder that people see past the bullshit.
• Professional therapy and counselling can be a great provider of objective, non-judgemental support.  

It is possible to do this work while you’re in a relationship, but in most cases, it’s better to end the relationship and work on these things on your own.  

This way, the next time you date someone, you’re coming into it with a fresh, healthy mindset.  

It is possible to relax into a happy and healthy dynamic where you can both have boundaries and freedom.  

Communication and establishing your needs are important, but only if it goes both ways.   

No one person should be making the rules and shaping the relationship, and no one else should suffer because you feel like you have no control over your life.   

If any of this resonates with you, check out more on lovecreep.nz 

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