There are a lot of grey areas in romantic relationships.
This article is part of our new series on healthy relationships, sponsored by Love Better.
For 20-year-old Grace*, one of her boundaries is separate rooms. “It’s important to have your own space,” she says.
For Jordan*, 25, one of their boundaries is “a balance of alone and together time to maintain individuality”.
While some people find location sharing invasive, 26-year-old Tom* says “it’s reassuring to know what we’re both up to, so we’re not stressed if the other person’s not replying. Like, I can check it and see they’re at work”.
Bex*, 29, says, “I know it sounds bad on paper, but my partner lets me dress him”.
Essentially, we’re all different, and that means what we each consider to be a good partnership looks different.
Because of this, we sometimes find ourselves experiencing things that make us uneasy—even if they aren’t done with the intention to cause us harm.
We might be on the receiving end of behaviours that aren’t inherently bad but go against our personal boundaries.
We can make gestures intended to be nice that get lost in translation. We’re given helpful suggestions that come across as hurtful.
The person you’re dating isn’t inherently bad because they have different ideals from you—but understanding your own boundaries is a super important part of forming healthy relationships.
Draw your boundaries
If you’re unsure where you stand with a partner on what’s okay in your relationship, the Love Better team suggests that you try setting a small boundary—like saying you’re having a night just with your mates or that you want to have more time to yourself—to test the waters.
See what your partner’s reaction is like. And then how do you feel about their response?
People have different boundaries, which means that what feels controlling or harmful can vary from person to person, but if you don’t feel good about how they’ve responded, that’s a sign you’re not on the same page.
If this is the case, have a chat with them about how you feel.
If you’re feeling uncertain about something your partner has done, counsellor Laressa Donaldson recommends taking these steps:
- Ask your partner when they’re free to chat and let them know what you want to talk about, so they’re not caught off guard
- Explain clearly what’s bothering you
- If possible, be specific about where and when it happened
- Let them know how it made you feel
- Ask them if there’s a reason they acted that way
According to sexual harm prevention organisation RespectEd, if the person you’re in a relationship with makes it tense, awkward, hard or scary to bring things up that are making you uneasy, then you need to take a safety-first approach to getting help.
If you have serious concerns, Laressa recommends:
- Don’t confront them, especially not if you’re alone
- Tell someone you trust about what’s happening. This could be a friend, teacher, counsellor, support organisation or family member.
- Create an action plan that enables you to safely step away from the relationship if needed.
Look for the patterns
Everyone can behave badly, and we all need to have difficult conversations with people we are dating from time to time, which is why it's important to keep an eye out for repeated behaviours or patterns in your relationship.
The Love Better team, suggests that you ask yourself:
- Do I feel uneasy about taking time for myself?
- Do I cancel plans to avoid conflict with my partner?
- Do I feel like I need my partner’s approval on the things I wear or do?
- Do I feel anxious when I can’t respond to their messages?
One-off mistakes or misunderstandings are normal in any relationship—everyone has bad days, and difficult conversations are a natural part of dating—but repeated behaviours can signal a deeper issue.
It’s important to be aware if a partner consistently ignores your feelings, dismisses your concerns, or tries to control aspects of your life.
The Love Better team says that recognising patterns helps you:
- Identify red flags early before they escalate
- Distinguish between a bad day and a bad relationship
- Make informed decisions about whether the relationship is healthy for you
Choose you
Sharing how you feel and setting boundaries can positively shape a relationship and solve some issues—but it can also highlight when someone isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated.
It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but if you have told them what you’re comfortable with and then they cross that line, it does mean that their behaviour is not okay.
Ultimately, you don’t need to prove someone is a terrible person to want out of a relationship, you just need to trust your gut.
Don’t overthink it, don’t make excuses, listen to how you feel—and if their behaviour doesn’t make you feel good, you don’t need to accept it.
Whether a partner is exhibiting controlling behaviour or simply has different ideals, it’s really about whether you feel comfortable in your relationship.
Remember, you should be enjoying your relationship, and if not, it’s always worth seeking support.
*Names have been changed
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